When I was asked to give some advice on this topic, I suddenly saw fragments of my life passing before me. Memories were stirred. I cannot say that those memories were pleasant, but I agreed.
I agreed, because I see it as my duty to share my life experience with other women.
And I believe that in every one of you, dear women, there is strength and self-respect! For if you respect yourself and believe in your strength, then the people around you should respect you, as well!
If you are burdened by routine, unhappy with your life, with everything that’s going on in your family, you need to take some steps to change it.
‘Sometimes it means leaving the person beside you’
A lot of women say, ‘I live with my husband for the sake of my children’. I believe this is a very unreasonable position to take!
I had a situation in my life, when there was already a pair of little kids who I had to take by their hands and leave for another country.
What was I thinking? I was thinking an unhappy mother makes for unhappy kids.
For they see the family relationships, or rather their disfunctionality, and they watch their families being torn apart and it leaves scars. And if all this is accompanied by constant arguments, swearing, lies, then trust me, your kid’s psyche will be damaged, and it will take plenty of time and effort to recover it.
‘I always knew I was responsible for my life and the life of my children’
I just couldn’t let myself sit back and do nothing, until the problem gets solved by itself or (what happens more often) gets blown up to cosmic proportions, resulting in a catastrophe.
How do you find the courage to take such a bold step? That’s a tough question. I think that not every woman is able to muster the strength and make a fresh start having kids on her hands. There’s no recipe for that.
Some women are ‘victims’, playing that role all their lives incapable of assuming another one. Others take over all the man’s responsibilities, convincing themselves that everything will get better and they just need to wait it out a little longer.
‘You can’t swing from one extreme to another. You have to feel your inner balance’
I’ve always known that a woman must love and be loved. This is what I looked for and sought, unmindful of any obstacles. And I was lucky, I found the man whom I loved and who loved me. It has been that way for over 30 years now!
My life philosophy is ‘don’t listen to anyone’. Intuition and self-belief are what will help you in a situation like this. I had female friends who tried to talk me out of this decisive step; I had a mother who told me, ‘If you get divorced, I will die!’. But I did get divorced. Because I knew that this was my life and my choice, and I felt I was on the right track. You think I was not afraid? I was! Of course, I was!
‘But fear is not an excuse to stop and just give in’
How Do You Leave Everything Behind and Make a Fresh Start?
I believe that in this case you would need the assistance of a psychologist. In Russia, this function is often handled by your best friend. It was into her home that I moved to live for some time at the beginning.
You need someone who will support and encourage you; this is a kind of little step that will make you feel more comfortable pushing forward.
If you have at least the vaguest idea about where you can go with your child to escape the nightmare of your family, then do it. Don’t put it off or put up with it, or it will never happen.
‘Be prepared for anything. Falling into depression and self-pity is the last thing you want when going through a critical life stage’
As a qualified doctor with professional experience, I was ready to work as a massage therapist, cleaner, cook and babysitter. I realized I had to feed and support my kids.
Calm down and gather your thoughts. Weigh the pros and cons. Is it really the only way? Isn’t it driven by your ego and selfishness?
My husband, Misha, and I have already got an experience of making serious decisions regarding both matters of everyday life and business. What we do is take a blank sheet of paper and divide it in half. We write down the pros on one half and the cons on the other. And after we sum it all up, we understand what’s best for us, if the pros exceed the cons or it’s the other way around.
Take a blank sheet of paper and ask yourself some right questions relevant to your situation:
- What do I expect from my life in the future?
- What does living with this person give me?
Finally, the third and the most important question:
- Are my kids happy living with me in such a situation?
I wish you luck. And plenty of ‘pros’…